beleaguering ennui

Now I live in a cave. No, that’s overstating it maybe. A very dark room mostly underground, with two widthwise windows on the top sixth of the east wall. The sort of place where I’ll look out the window at blue skies but still be unsure wether it’s sunny out.

I’m about to embark on this new adventure. My classes start on monday and I’ve been making mild attempts at trying to get used to the schedule that I’ll have, come the 26th. It mainly consists of me declaring to Laura “Okay, I need to get to bed early tonight.” We talk for an hour or more when I look at the clock and start cursing myself yet again. “Damn, I wanted to get up on-time (5:40a or so… getting ready for school) tomorrow.”

Now for the last week or so, I’ve actually awoken at 5:30a as my alarm is set. However rising from my haze, and sleepy bed is another matter. Well… what am I gonna do so early in the morning anyway? Satisfied with my own logic, I’ve returned to that place, guilt free. But last night I came up with a plan. So if I come up with something to do before I go to bed, then perhaps I won’t so easily relinquish my consciousness to the depths of sleep!

And so far it’s working. I’m up, although by this time I’d already be late for my shuttle ride, at least it’s a start.

“I look out my window, and what do I see? A crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me…” Okay well not really but David Bowie might as well be right, because it’s sure as hell is dark enough.

I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to identify myself. I’m unique god-dammit. So much time divorcing myself from the things that allow others to know stuff about me, things that might otherwise give them reason to not even meet me.

I remember getting to a point in my young adulthood where I prayed regularly—an image of a man that was listening to my emotions, caring for me when eleven years of life was just a little too much to handle.

Then that faith was given a black eye. I started to learn about the concepts of lemmings—bleached souls, indignant to curiosity and everything that was challenging—and all the hurt they cause. Undriven, might as well be dead. I wasn’t that. I would never be that. I would never have religion. Dead weight for my hare’s energy. So I let my hair go, and it ran long. Assumptions became rampant and predictable (or so I assumed), almost fun to anticipate. I devoted myself to everevolutionism. Antisedentaryism. Perpetualchangeism. Ispitinthineface(inthemostsubtleofways)ism.

In the rubble, wake, and debris of so many recent travesties to my fellow genus; 2792, 190, 27963, 756, 118000, thousands dead. I am compelled to stop and think about those in more dire situations than me. Ponder their woes, sympathize with what is difficult about their struggle for happiness and take action as my compassion drives me.

I dedicate my life to compassion. Representation of those less considered. Amplification for those not listened to. Tears for those less appreciated—I love reminders. Stop. Relax. Be. It’s a lot of fucking fun man.

When I start to identify with those souls I can’t help but feel companionship. A big-picture moment to breath. I feel almost spiritually connected around the notion that I’m not so unique that I, we, do have support in this struggle. See… we’re all in this together. I tell myself. Those words have already lost their meaning, but for a second I understood what I meant.

“Keep her in your prayers” she said. My usual scoff, normally quick to defend it’s territory, is caught off guard. Perhaps recently put off, by something from within. An emotion not anticipated (not even batman can think of everything). For a second I ponder the implications me… pray? I guess that’d be unique.

Where I come from, layouts are the ultimate sign of commitment—perhaps things that might compare include the ring, or a lover’s name tattoed on one’s shoulder—so naturally, definitive evidence of such a commitment are of much value when eliciting anamnesis—during bragging sessions. The “receipt” if you will, to dangle in your friends faces. A point for the story, two if it’s good. Five if there’s a bruise and ten if there’s blood. This is a wound like so many derived from that most wonderful game of Ultimate—initially a minor abrasion, which when scabbed, evolves into so much more. Especially when that scab is completely re-moved, in a situation near identical to that which created the first injury. Isn’t it pretty? No more layouts for a bit ):