beleaguering ennui

Well, I’ve finally collapsed. I’m going mainstream, jumping on the bandwagon, trying to hang with the “cool kids”; I’m becoming a “suit” and have otherwise sold out. Just kidding. But I am trying a piece of the blogging pie.

Its such an awkward word; it’s not from the tongue, light and springy, nor the gut deep and leonine, but from the back of the throat, like vomit. I’m not trying to knock the practice, many people I respect, participate in it, and I recognize that it is a positive thing. But come on… blog?

Personally it’s not an intuitive step, but who knows maybe as I learn more about it, I’ll find that I like it (:

So here’s to trying new things.

strange coincidence… a trip to the senior prom is all it took. my mom is an exploratory person. i realize that she and i share an interest in perpetual rediscovery – a seemingly unsatiable apetite for creative perception. a desire that leads her (and me) down often "unusual" paths; it leads her into realms of self exploration, which are generally easy to lable and terminally discredit, however, no amount of name calling seems to steer her, as it is, to her credit, part of what so many people are attracted to, about her. the unwillingness to give up when she is beat; cede when she is wrong, cry when she is blue, and be old when her years are plenty.

she told me
-you know… i believe that one day we will develop the ability to communicate without words. we will develop the ability to convey our feelings and thoughts without saying anything… and sometimes, when you don’t say much and people ask me what you’re thinking i just imagine that you’re further along than most of us, and sometimes you don’t realize it but you’re just *thinking* your response to them.
i smiled my response.

sometimes i wonder whether this notion, expressed by anyone else, would have had the same effect. i think it would have solicited the same responce, however there is some credibility she weilds, so powerful that it sounded like.

sometimes i wish i had play-by-play commentators for my life. the kind that root for the home team. some voice that guides interpretation of my every action. a steve stone to explain my logic in a way that just makes sense. some way to open a window into the nuances that compose my moments. perhaps helping my employer to understand why despite my efforts to the contrary, i seem to be unable to prevent my paintbrush from dripping on the hardwood floors. reservoirs of knowledge into my past would revel that of my own. stats, facts and stories rattled off at only the most indefectible moment, would produce a sense of contentedness through the simple appreciation of my complexity. there is no outcome, no end-all, a world series, world cup, world champion win is just another grain of sand, which stands out when isolated, but when taken as a apart of the larger picture is apart of the splendor that massages my feet during a warm summer walk on the coast. receiving faxes — fielding questions so as to convey the complexity of my situation. pat hughes would get confidently excited, cheering me on while keeping his composure enough to broadcast the picture as i move around the bases; first, sometimes second, occasionally third and rarely home, but always with an attempted grace and composure — good sportsmanship. my sac flies, stolen bases and progressive psychology would not go unnoticed, because what is it all about, if not the subtleties of love, democracy of life the beauty of compassion. my exemplary defensive accomplishments, however routine would be designated as such — oh he makes that look easy — he’d say. tom dorr and "red" kerr, would interview the superstars in my life for another perspective. interviewing greats such as tim "the farmer," and goatey "the inspired," to share any 20/20 they have on the given situation. perhaps my my divorced parents would be asked to come together on what they think i should do, knowing that i won’t be privy to their opinions until all is said and done. my family in the stands and friends tuned in on the air. annie would be there on the sidelines, my mascot, ever faithful, despite how under appreciated she is, cheering me on, like the play-by-play announcers, for the home team.

and for some reason, it just occurred to me that today is a birthday. particularly, one of a long-distant friend. friend if you hear me, happy birthday.

so i have had many (and by many i mean one or two) of my friends suggest that they’d enjoy being able to post responses to my thoughts in ways similar to a blog. there’s this person who is a wonderfully beautiful, new found friend to me. she maintains a blog in about as religious a fashion as is possible in this industry of un-professional literary genius, and i must say… her grass is greener. the community feeling is really attractive to me. sometimes i can just get so much inside my own head, i feel alone in this household of five, city of eight-million people, and world of one-quintrillion insects. but that’s not my purpose for this outlet. this has a purpose to me as a one-way medium, uncensored as such, which may in fact solicit contact — but is not a public conversation.

the thought of that form has had appeal. £k¶ is to me, a poster-chile for it’s splendor. just being exposed to her experience has had me thinking gee that would be nice, having more of a dialogue, more feedback and maybe that is something i will pursue at some later date, but for now, this is my (potentially two-way) monologue.

the list…

well today my mother put out a challenge to me, which i don’t know what to make of, but i’m gonna give it a go. she said i ‘d like you to make a list of all of your unfinished projects and otherwise loose ends. everything from small to grandiose, because it all takes energy. so tomorrow i’ll spend some time on that list.

back when i was in college (because it was such a long time ago) i had a friend who was very inspired (or crazy as most called him) and he wrote his dates in a consistently unique way that i’m not able to replicate in this particular medium. ever since i’ve tried to be creative with mine as well, any way to break up monotony i suppose. it was in late feb that i came up with my latest variation of using a roman numeral for the year since two thousand five is so conducive to it.
the fact that the first time i am using it here is on the 15th is also a convenient homage to the romans as it is the ides of march.

oh yeah, just returned last night from a splendid trip with rpr and annie. we visited and or traveled through seven states/provinces and two countries. annie shat in canada! perhaps i’ll divulge more on that experience when i’m a little less scatter brained.

sometimes i write, with a passion. it seems as though everything is cut like a diamond. with a complete picture in my head. something so profound that i feel i just must share it.
then i reread it. having spent some time away from the subject matter in my poor little noggin. to forget some of the details. to objectify it, if only a little. and often i find out i was so in my own head that the resulting product is patchy, convoluted, disconnected and vague at best. it’s funny how that works. don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t diminish the initial profundity i ascribed to it, but it just makes me laugh.

these are thoughts which extended from a "chat" i was having with a friend (i put chat in quotes for lack of a better way to distinguish this one’s importance).
there is this theory in my head that we all have amazingly similar experiences.
we admire those that we share experiences with. a very passive view, but not without example in life. the phenomenon of chance, and randomness, subjectivity and taste. point of view and opinion.

so i am an artist. sometimes i say things that, you in your time and place are not wanting to hear or connect with – i don’t mean that to imply that i’m "more experienced" or "better" because that’d be bullshit – but rather in the sense that we all arrive at fundamentally similar points at different times. we all yearn to be loved. to.
if i am "successful" in my creative endeavors than this theory may be judged "correct" if not then who knows.

yeah, just go to the page about annie
-i should keep my fingers still about the bulls (:

it’s amazing, how much i can change my mood, well being and general state of mind. amazing how i can perceive something one way for so long, yet in an instant, alter that perception, radically… stupendously… beautifully and all it takes is a thought, observation or light bulb! if only i would realize life is that simple more often, perhaps i’d have spent less time thinking i was doing not what i wanted to be doing, but instead realizing i was doing exactly what i wanted to be doing at that moment, because after all it is not possible to do something i do not want to do, geesh… heady