beleaguering ennui

sometimes i come away from a situation really wanting to write and knowing what about, a message to convey. other times i don’t feel there’s anything to write on but feel i must. sometimes like now, i feel like i want to write but have no idea where to start. the concept of “what should i write about” is the ultimate bloque. elvis costello gives me rythm, no voice is too distracting. maybe the vines are a little better.
i have been the jealouse ex boyfriend and recieved lectures on what is best to do. best for me, best for the other. it sucks, i wanted to know everything, without knowing why. i wanted to know that i meant something, that all the words we had exchanged, the intimate times were not going to be laughed at or worse forgotten. the more i learned the more i wanted. those wise, turned me away. for fear, for concern, for love. a soul i respect, once told me that sometimes the greatest form of love is space. well intentioned and delivered space can be more loving than any hug, worry, kiss, look, or thought. i dunno, losing steam now…

money is such a strange thing. it is at the base of so much stress in the world, while providing at the same time a conduit for enjoyment (at least construed) as unparalleled in today’s balanced chaos. the reason i mention it, is because after thier divorce, my parents fiscal situations have evolved, yielding in turn, a different mentality toward me with regard to money. my mom, with her partner has developed a role in a business that affords her more luxaries than she was previously used to. for me this (being one of many factors) means that she is really eager to endorse me in my various adventures. her partner too, has made it clear that he has an interest in supporting me. my father brings another part of the balance to the picture in his situation. still working hard and with less fiscal comfort, he encourages me to seek out things that will empower me to make it for myself. i’m pretty sure it has as much to do with his own selfless desires for me as it has to do with his own situation and of course, many other factors. in the past my mother seems to have had more experience at ensuring i am supported in the way she sees fit. however, as my father has (it seems at times) scrambled to educated himself on how to fit into our lives in a whole new way, he has become more adament about being able to feed us his vision in equal ammounts. what has brought these thoughts to the page is my latest action. just being out of school (which, i think is the last fiscal decision my parents ever concurred on) has been a tremendous stress on this balancing act between which to feed from. the distincion i think, has never been so distilled. he wishes that i come back to chicago, let him subsidise my living by taking residence with him while working to earn some money toward the end of supporting myself financially on the adventures i would like to take. whether that is kayaking across the country, traveling to foregin places or being gamefully unemployed for a period of time. she has expressed a vision of me staying in vermont and at her fiscal expense usurping all knowledge i can from working on the afore mentioned cerridwen farm.
his desire to have me close is understandable, he has not made a situation more desireably a kin to my mother’s until recently and so he has reason to desire our physical presence in his life. this is not to say i or my siblings are at a stage where we are willing to give it.
it is difficult because i see both parts in myself. my desire to be out of the house is strong. in addition, i also want to be increasingly financially independant. they both want me to keep learning, they both want the best for me, but what that is has evolved into the debate. I can’t say right now, more thoughts on that later.

pictures are difficult because ive not been at my own computer. instead, i’ve opted for a more nomadic sort of existence. It started with the week post graduation, which i spent working at cerridwen farm, afterwhich i attended cadmc’s graduation, meeting david mammet and getting my first ever graduation money. i started working for a family in middletown springs, vt that need help getting their 1 acre or so of garden ready and growing. currently i’m hous sitting while they are taking a family roadtrip to to our nations capitol, for the oddesy of the mind competition.

oh to speculate what my life would be without this pear of quirky weirdness. in all seriousness, he is walking brainfood for me. not so much in the sense that he challanges me per se… he inspires me to find that other vantage point. everyone
should have a bbbfb in their life. before i grew so fond of him, he looked to me, and i think not unjustly so, as if he is a sort of person that needs people to be frustrated with him. frustrated, pissed, inspired, happy, anything so long as it is passionate. he seemed to thrive on his, “a city-boy, by any of an unknown number of circumstances, stranded to his current scenario and thus forced to deal with rural urban-culture ineptitude, but he knows it’s good for him and so takes it like cough syrup or a good fuck in the ass.” or at least this was my assumption of him. and like in any good assumption there is some truth, and not truth. for now i’ll let you believe that of the qualities listed, which you see as positive are the real ones and the the bad ones are the “ass-u-me” part. time to email…

well i try and be regular. to no avail however, it seems that i come back to my computer to read what the last thing was i wrote and so much as happened. then the story goes that i quickly feel overwhelmed by the sopping plethora of options, words to divulge in the truest sense. okay, where to start… supposing will answer that question with the most obvious and exciting. The last few days have been bursting with fresh new organic lives. before class on tuesday i got word of two lambs that sigrid had just lambed, so i went and got to see them. after class i went home and picked up the phone to a message. just before that i remember thinking… i hope (bet) it’s tim calling about the baby. the message service informed me of the number of the 404 area code. none that i know, must be a calling card from the likes of tim or someone else. the message conveyed the vital facts. Willow Morgan Hughes-Muse was born on the 3rd of may, 2004 @ 11:41p. she weighed 8lbs 13oz and was 21" tall. as soon as i got that message i was immediately so happy. going back and forth, i eventually decided to call them finding the number online. he answered and i asked. his calm reminded me of their wedding day. even over the phone he seemed so present in what he was doing. he wasn’t working, his mind wasn’t racing, and his voice was soft. everything was deliberate, i don’t know, maybe it’s just me. my drive was quick and meandering. she is amazing, quiet, a dark brown, full head of hair, brown-grey eyes. everything is miniature. her little finger nails seem unreal. a little pointy tongue yearns to feel and experience until the eyes take over, this little alien came out from brooke? wow, i’m amazed.

geesh, a lot has breathed through my daily ocean of existence since the 5th… it’s funny how to anyone reading this that doesn’t have any other sort of interaction with me, might be tempted to believe that nothing happens between these moments, which i attempt to be so candid about, or better yet they are invited to draw black and white single line sketches connecting the dots. this is me believing that my temporally random interjections are somehow akin to a the colourful painting of the dot. however the end of schooled life as i know it is quickly approaching. i am currently taking a (preemptive) break from working on my last large paper, which i’m thinking will be worthy enough when finished to post here. today marks a special day for me, for today is the day i have gone to and returned from burlington to pick up the newest addition to my arsenal of musical weaponry. the seagull s12+ will earn a name soon enough, although right now my fingers are too tender to be typing, let alone let alone trying to name it. some subjects to possibly come back to at a later point whence i feel more academically productive:
touch on above events (Ryan’s reading)
interesting encounter(s) with jeffrey grabelski
women of late
goodnight stranger… maybe sometime you’ll be inspired to tell me what your sketched-lines-between-the-dots look like. i’m curious.

no personal insight today, just a note to say i’ve got my gallery from spring break up, as well as another addition to the project page… which reminds me that i need to put in the rest of those documents.for easter break i’ll be going to visit anna in portland, me and i’m really excited. this’ll be my first time to maine, so i’ve been busy trying to figure out where else i’d like to visit while i’m there.…okay, so that was early this morning, or late last night but now is now (about 11:05p) and just felt like writing. i’ve not spent much of any money (for me) on CDs this semester, it was a conscious effort on my part toward an end of course… recognizing that (as mom’s favorite adage goes, when you choose to spend your money on one thing it means it isn’t available for something else… so i decided to go for that something else and i’m failing miserably! for quite some time i’ve had the desire/mild intention to get a 12 string guitar, not just any, but a seagull, handmade in quebec, from fallen, aged wood harvested by permission of her majesty from the canadian forests. now that’s all well and good, but i’m also a frugal man (or at least fancy myself that on occasion) and so again the seagull won out with a company intention of keeping the instruments high quality while not investing gobs in advertising, in turn beefing up the price. well good, it’s somewhat ecologically sound, economically sensible, however, i’ve never really set aside the money with any intention until now. well i’m ready, i’ve got the money all saved, the store picked out, however i seem to be unable to make this happen. you’d think it easy, i call the store and say i want to give you money and then they accept with big grins and flying colors, but no. john at calliope music in burlington is perhaps the slacker i’ve ever met. really, i’m surprised the business is not failing. but then i realized that this is not the first music store that has not taken me seriously/been a bunch of slack asses. when i was in prescott last spring, i started this process, and the shop down there seemed incapable of making a phone call. neither to me nor their distributor. i think i went in three separate times before i gave up knowing i’d leave for the semester before they got the actual guitar in stock (it’s a special order). with john, i’ve called at least four or five times now. he knows me by name, what i want, when i want it, he also knows i’m waiting to give him the credit card number. i mean seriously! how does that work? essentially i say i’m ready to give you money now and he in essence says no. it might as well be illegal for me to have this guitar with how difficult it’s proving to be. it was early march when i told him i was ready to order, he just needed to check with his rep on the timeline, lordy.

exciting things coming up for me (:
7th-12th of April – going to visit anna clay brandt in portland, me
17th of April – Sectionals in Amherst, MA
18th of April – Tortoise is playing at the higher ground
20th of April – Damien Rice and the Frames @ the higher ground
19th?-23rd? of April – Samuel is visiting also earth week, also the time when the bikes will be unleashed… ssshhh
23rd of April – poetry slam put on by us in writer’s club
24th of April – our tournament, also the night Blackalicious is playing here on campus
5th of May – the newest addition to the hughes-muse family is due
15th of May – Commencement-the end(?) of 16 years of formal schooling… oh man that’s a topic for later i’m afraid.

the other day i was thinking about the fact that with the sporadic nature with which we talk, and the agreement we made to try to not withhold certain facts, it was feeling at the time like the primary reason for talking became to report when we had made out with someone else. the thought of having that be a centerpiece to an already distant relationship was an almost laughable thought to me, when i picked up my phone to receive a message from this splendid sole. on the way back from mass last weekend, i got to thinking about our last summer spent together, and how much fun it was… oh excuse me, i get into the sentimental moments sometimes.

summer time
looking for life
we got in the car
one and a half hours pursuing the sun after noon
the ocean is a splendid thing.

no conscious intentions to direct
a left turn
up river to a nice little spot in the middle
the rocks call the water eddy
while we recite kerouac

we are dharma bums
happiness is all that drives you and.

as the rest of the earth begins to hide us from the sun
the dizzying thought makes me look away
yeah, this is love
but then as in any cycle
i come back around.

ocean to

rain to
lake to
river to
ocean to
life as we know it
run through a digital coffee filter
keys
indicate precisely what i mean to say
your sincerely.

spilling my thoughts onto the page in front of me
ralph is what my theo-saurus tells me
more of a verb than a proper noun
wound round this extra long neck of a sentence
from this ever evolving dinosaur.

perhaps my thoughts are all silly
metal clashing with my every inkling
until i cannot sleep anymore.

Why does green mean go
or blue mean cold, sad and lonely, freedom
why does red equal blood, stop, exit, bad, fast and hot
while black is absorbing, omnipotent, dead.

summer time
looking for life
we got in the car
one and a half hours pursuing the sun after noon

the ocean is a splendid thing.

thinking today (i know… that’s dangerous) and there are advantages to taking on brooke’s position. it’d be secure, for that year. i’d be able to stay on campus and continue working on this community that i’ve invested so much time and energy into already. i’d be able to be around tb’s newly born. i’d have free room. i’d be able to stick with the frisbee team for a while longer. i’d be able to maintain my friendships with piglett and tim a little easier. in addition finally and i feel most importantly, another thing i hadn’t thought of until yesterday was the fact that faculty are allowed to bring on their dogs, and the thought of bringing annie up to live with me especially now that she’s in her later years, is a really attractive thought.

i miss her completely. she is so much a part of me yet i have not been with her. at times i think that maybe i don’t know her. maybe she isn’t with me, but then, every time i go home, i see her and i know we belong to each other. sometimes it is an uncomfortable first thought, that of one belonging to each other, but i believe it wholeheartedly and it feels good. i am sad at times; i want her here, not tied up in a household where only half appreciate her. living eleven months in a cave. i want her to be happy like every summer that she’s able to spend at the cabin. i see her laying in the sun, a bed of decomposed granite and sticks, lavishing in every degree of heat she soaks up. she lives everything around her with beauty and respect. she smiles balance on the world and loves us simply.
to all my (portland, or) people… check out the bands below:
http://www.holopaw.net/
http://www.ironandwine.com/
they are playing together at the venue below in se portand.
http://www.holocene.org/
Ani DiFranco – Wed 7th Apr 2004 Arlene Schnitzer Hall
Greg Brown – Fri 6th Aug 2004 Oregon Zoo Amphitheater

man oh man, what to do. firstly i cannot fathom the fact that i am graduating. of course that’s come up before, everyone says, "time flies" etc but i was walking over to piglett’s house tonight and started thinking about times we spent freshman year on our floor. we played grand theft auto on conrad’s computer, or we’d go over to north and hang out in his then girlfriends room. i never really thought about whether or not i’d be graduating from here. there were the cool upper classmen who were not assholes and so became instant buddies. there was shawn the ra who always seemed somehow above us in every regard. tim downstairs with his girlfriend, they were younger, not married, and both had short hair. piglett would be drunk every now and then. i’d visit his room and he’d have that swaggering gaze that looks at you like an anchor. balance when the room is spinning. words laborious at every turn. "how did you know" he’d say with so much effort. "i can just tell" i said.

now i quickly come upon that date whence i’m supposed to get another piece of paper that licenses others to treat me like an adult. yet to that question of what next, i seem to be at a loss for the ability to exorcize all the skills i’ve learned over the last 16 years. man it’s late, more after sleep.
Learn your sails and boat types
Learn to build a kayak