well, i've decided to start a journal, i am feeling strapped for communication, and expression or rather expression pressured by the prospect of an audience and for some reason this is the opening i have got it in my head will be good for me. my intention is just to try this and see where it goes, i am not setting any expectations for myself or any other shit like that. no holds barred. also, i do not expect anyone to take these often emotionally charged, raw, first-thought bits as my final opinion, as they are my thoughts but only as a process, or possible means toward the end of self expression and a greater understanding. that said, if you have a problem with this, i'm sorry?
drafted 19.6.2003
amended 25.6.2003

well yes, i know, it has been a while... suppose i could try and analyze that phenomenon and come up with some reasoning to try and satisfy my slight urge to apologize however my instinct labels that as unnecessary. the logic is thus, if any potential routine reader of these words is in fact concerned by my lack of outward contact, curious about what i have been up to or whether i am okay, then they have the option, no the complete and utter freedom to go out of their way to contact me directly and share their love/concern/thoughts/etc... in these dark days we can all use a little love (: Generally I have occupied my time very selfishly (or at least that is the negative light i cast on it at this moment). surely that perception will change as i evolve my time spent in the last few months into something beautiful. however, right now i see the pretty pictures i have painted in my head. the splendid prehensile tails of life extended to me. stories wrap me up, pull me in. words of what the people i love and respect are making of their gifts, moments, children and glory. the sound bites that they, perhaps like me, reuse consciously or not, to regurgitate at the drop of a hat - a silly question from a disconnected relative or another realm saturated with inane discourse, traditions perhaps invented to buy time for inventing better questions, coping a look or some other task safely accomplished while multitasking "uh-huh"s and "yeah"s to the - full circle - sound bites perhaps rehearsed to regurgitate at moments like these. and to perpetuate another cycle... more later.

some recent things:
-my kayak, which will be getting a segment on this website soon enough (it must be finished first)
-applying to work with the S/V Denis Sullivan as a crew member
-applying for the Green Corps
-perhaps i'll post my résumé as it has been quite an adventure in my head to generate
-usin' firefox - the best, most customizable browser i've found. cross platform, open source, free (:

added some new belt buckles i assembled-
also made some mods to annie - not up yet, but perhaps tomorrow-
the bulls are kickin' it once more (:-

-yeah, just go to the page about annie
-i should keep my fingers still about the bulls (:

it's amazing, how much i can change my mood, well being and general state of mind. amazing how i can perceive something one way for so long, yet in an instant, alter that perception, radically... stupendously... beautifully and all it takes is a thought, observation or light bulb! if only i would realize life is that simple more often, perhaps i'd have spent less time thinking i was doing not what i wanted to be doing, but instead realizing i was doing exactly what i wanted to be doing at that moment, because after all it is not possible to do something i do not want to do, geesh... heady

so my mother gave me a gift this last holiday season, and it consisted of a little card she had written, in the handwriting that seems exclusively perfected by the mothering sect of our society, "and for you my son, four lessons with louise in teas and tinctures." now for some reason, i've been inspired to hold off calling her until recently but alas i've just returned from my first session, and it was in short, very cool.

for some reason that i've not sorted out yet, there are times when i have trouble processing "lessons" people want to give me in a timely fashion. for instance, both my parents very often have things they would love to teach me and for some reason, they may actively teach, i may appropriately listen, but still months go by before the impact of that lesson will hit me.
generally i prefer to think of it as a timing issue. at the time when they were giving, i wasn't ready to hear. now, try and get back to the original thought... my mother somehow got it in her head that without my expressing prior interest, i would be into this. and she is right to think that, and at times it quite nearly becomes frustrating thinking that someone can know me "that well". because it is often people who think they know me "that well" who make the grandest assumptions about me, like the cop, who on a routine stop, was near livid that i did not have any pot, "come on... your birkenstock wearin', hippy, patchouli, jerry garcia wearin' ass??" haha i guess the difference is my mother wants to know me. that cop "already does". i think he got every single one in the book... oh wait, he forgot to mention phish.

-sometime after my first gettogether with a person i met more anonymously, i attended said subject's website to discover these words in quotes: he wasn't pretty unless you were in love with him.
-who wouldn't wonder?

when i went out on friday i had a really nice time, so did she. i'm glad we went to dinner, because it was really the most enjoyable part. tmlmtbgb was also excellent, but the extended opportunity for quality conversation and eye contact hit the spot. the details helped to wax it all; the lack of bar din, the yummy food and copasetic wine, all came together nicely for the night maker.

sometimes i write, with a passion. it seems as though everything is cut like a diamond. with a complete picture in my head. something so profound that i feel i just must share it.
then i reread it. having spent some time away from the subject matter in my poor little noggin. to forget some of the details. to objectify it, if only a little. and often i find out i was so in my own head that the resulting product is patchy, convoluted, disconnected and vague at best. it's funny how that works. don't get me wrong, it doesn't diminish the initial profundity i ascribed to it, but it just makes me laugh.

back when i was in college (because it was such a long time ago) i had a friend who was very inspired (or crazy as most called him) and he wrote his dates in a consistently unique way that i'm not able to replicate in this particular medium. ever since i've tried to be creative with mine as well, any way to break up monotony i suppose. it was in late feb that i came up with my latest variation of using a roman numeral for the year since two thousand five is so conducive to it.
the fact that the first time i am using it here is on the 15th is also a convenient homage to the romans as it is the ides of march.

oh yeah, just returned last night from a splendid trip with rpr and annie. we visited and or traveled through seven states/provinces and two countries. annie shat in canada! perhaps i'll divulge more on that experience when i'm a little less scatter brained.

well today my mother put out a challenge to me, which i don't know what to make of, but i'm gonna give it a go. she said i 'd like you to make a list of all of your unfinished projects and otherwise loose ends. everything from small to grandiose, because it all takes energy. so tomorrow i'll spend some time on that list.

and for some reason, it just occurred to me that today is a birthday. particularly, one of a long-distant friend. friend if you hear me, happy birthday.

so i have had many (and by many i mean one or two) of my friends suggest that they'd enjoy being able to post responses to my thoughts in ways similar to a blog. there's this person who is a wonderfully beautiful, new found friend to me. she maintains a blog in about as religious a fashion as is possible in this industry of un-professional literary genius, and i must say… her grass is greener. the community feeling is really attractive to me. sometimes i can just get so much inside my own head, i feel alone in this household of five, city of eight-million people, and world of one-quintrillion insects. but that's not my purpose for this outlet. this has a purpose to me as a one-way medium, uncensored as such, which may in fact solicit contact — but is not a public conversation.

the thought of that form has had appeal. £k¶ is to me, a poster-chile for it's splendor. just being exposed to her experience has had me thinking gee that would be nice, having more of a dialogue, more feedback and maybe that is something i will pursue at some later date, but for now, this is my (potentially two-way) monologue.

sometimes i wish i had play-by-play commentators for my life. the kind that root for the home team. some voice that guides interpretation of my every action. a steve stone to explain my logic in a way that just makes sense. some way to open a window into the nuances that compose my moments. perhaps helping my employer to understand why despite my efforts to the contrary, i seem to be unable to prevent my paintbrush from dripping on the hardwood floors. reservoirs of knowledge into my past would revel that of my own. stats, facts and stories rattled off at only the most indefectible moment, would produce a sense of contentedness through the simple appreciation of my complexity. there is no outcome, no end-all, a world series, world cup, world champion win is just another grain of sand, which stands out when isolated, but when taken as a apart of the larger picture is apart of the splendor that massages my feet during a warm summer walk on the coast. receiving faxes — fielding questions so as to convey the complexity of my situation. pat hughes would get confidently excited, cheering me on while keeping his composure enough to broadcast the picture as i move around the bases; first, sometimes second, occasionally third and rarely home, but always with an attempted grace and composure — good sportsmanship. my sac flies, stolen bases and progressive psychology would not go unnoticed, because what is it all about, if not the subtleties of love, democracy of life the beauty of compassion. my exemplary defensive accomplishments, however routine would be designated as such — oh he makes that look easy — he'd say. tom dorr and "red" kerr, would interview the superstars in my life for another perspective. interviewing greats such as tim "the farmer," and goatey "the inspired," to share any 20/20 they have on the given situation. perhaps my my divorced parents would be asked to come together on what they think i should do, knowing that i won't be privy to their opinions until all is said and done. my family in the stands and friends tuned in on the air. annie would be there on the sidelines, my mascot, ever faithful, despite how under appreciated she is, cheering me on, like the play-by-play announcers, for the home team.